At my age, I don’t really look forward to another year. At this point in my life, I feel that time goes by so fast. My kids are no longer babies and too many things happen every single day. Often times, the month just starts and then I get my menstruation period which used to be at the beginning of the double digits but it started sooner than that.
In this stage of my life I’ve also realized that “whys,” no matter how sincere my questioning is, never gets answered.
In my teens, the “whys” were always addressed to God, and yes, prayerfully, God started lagging and lacking early on. By the time I was 19, he (yes, it’s a man) completely failed me. As with the development of a divine self, or an all-powerful being, this is ultimately intertwined with one’s self-worth. So, by that time because he failed me, I am better off dead. Life has no meaning. So, die already…
And then, I didn’t die.
God failed me AGAIN! Every time I asked to be stricken dead, he never delivered.
Yes, God had to evolve. I started looking at other theories like “The Big Bang Theory.” This theory became a successful sitcom that started a year after my youngest was born. I still have not watched a complete episode. But I digress. After my fervent prayers of being stricken dead failed foolproof or fully (is that an oxymoron or what?), I went into agnosticism no, I didn’t think I was an atheist, but after bumping into my second husband, I realize I WAS an atheist. Atheism in this definition means that one does not believe in God as a personality. I believe that fully or very much so, but habits are hard to break especially when they have been hardwired into your neuronal system.
What I do have to quit, as much as it is conditioned into my genomes is putting myself down. I really should pay attention how powerful this coding is since both my kids do it without fail! Yes, they put themselves down and they do not/will not simply receive or accept compliments. What gives? Oh yeah, I just said...genomes, DNA, chromosomes, conditioning. Sorry, kids.