At my age, I don’t really look forward to another year. At this point in my life, I feel that time goes by so fast. My kids are no longer babies and too many things happen every single day. Often times, the month just starts and then I get my menstruation period which used to be at the beginning of the double digits but it started sooner than that.
In this stage of my life I’ve also realized that “whys,” no matter how sincere my questioning is, never gets answered.
In my teens, the “whys” were always addressed to God, and yes, prayerfully, God started lagging and lacking early on. By the time I was 19, he (yes, it’s a man) completely failed me. As with the development of a divine self, or an all-powerful being, this is ultimately intertwined with one’s self-worth. So, by that time because he failed me, I am better off dead. Life has no meaning. So, die already…
And then, I didn’t die.
God failed me AGAIN! Every time I asked to be stricken dead, he never delivered.
Yes, God had to evolve. I started looking at other theories like “The Big Bang Theory.” This theory became a successful sitcom that started a year after my youngest was born. I still have not watched a complete episode. But I digress. After my fervent prayers of being stricken dead failed foolproof or fully (is that an oxymoron or what?), I went into agnosticism no, I didn’t think I was an atheist, but after bumping into my second husband, I realize I WAS an atheist. Atheism in this definition means that one does not believe in God as a personality. I believe that fully or very much so, but habits are hard to break especially when they have been hardwired into your neuronal system.
What I do have to quit, as much as it is conditioned into my genomes is putting myself down. I really should pay attention how powerful this coding is since both my kids do it without fail! Yes, they put themselves down and they do not/will not simply receive or accept compliments. What gives? Oh yeah, I just said...genomes, DNA, chromosomes, conditioning. Sorry, kids.
I am continually experiencing de javu. The building and the structures that have been in my dreams are beginning to leak into my waking consciousness. I usually take that to mean that my unconscious is becoming conscious.
Interweaving the life I left and the life I have now is an opening and a beginning. I know that in my dreams once I got away from the buildings I couldn’t get back to them no matter how much I tried. I’m pretty sure this means that I’m not supposed to go back.
My past if looked at is full of regrets and guilt-trips. Shoulda, woulda, couldas…
The Buddha says--
The past is dead and gone. The future is yet to come.
Being present takes a lot of practice, but when achieved creativity flows.
I wrote this when I first got to my writing room--
I know who I am. I know who I’m married to. I know who I want my kids to be. They may share a genetic code but they will evolve and rise up higher than those they share this genetic code with could ever imagine.
My husband who is also a writer with a Religious Studies degree from C.U. in Boulder is my very close support system.
I started The Tao of Power by R.L. Wing today that my husband started five days ago. He was showing me his tetragram this morning and so I decided to get one and I got the Tetragram number 3 and it stands for--
Do not exalt the very gifted,
And people will not contend.
Do not treasure goods that are hard to get,
And people will not become thieves.
Do not focus on desires,
And people’s minds will not be confused.
Therefore, Evolved Individuals lead others by
Opening their minds,
Reinforcing their centers,
Relaxing their desires,
Strengthening their characters.
Let the people always act without strategy or desire;
Let the clever not venture to act.
Act without action,
And nothing is without order.
Evolved Leaders know that their attitudes ultimately have greater influence than their actions. They know that those things that they respect and value soon become the motivating force behind their people. Therefore, they openly value worthwhile qualities that everyone can achieve--integrity, flexibility, and spontaneity. They do not emphasize extraordinary achievements or impressive possessions because they know this will undermine the harmony and accord among the people. Evolved Leaders bring peace and progress to their organization through the force of correct attitude. They practice noninterference and shape events with the power of their attitudes.